Top Gear Trials Coin Operated TV Cameraman.

I thought things were getting a little too serious around here, what with all the Tabloid bashing, Unemployment figures and flak jackets, so here we are with more TV Cameraman related buffoonery.

Check for blockages before inserting payment... Pic courtesy @JeremyClarkson

It would seem that over at the Top Gear studios, they have replaced one of their fine cameramen with a newer, upgraded trial version cameraman. Still in the research and development phase, this cameraman is coin operated. Sources close to the Top Gear team have sent me the above picture which makes it glaringly obvious where to pop the coins in order to get some footage.

As you can see, the £80.000.59p model T5987x Broadcast Cameraman (HD Camera Included) is fresh out of the bubble wrap, having been delivered by first class courier. The instructions, after inserting 4xAA batteries, are as follows:

2p gets the cameraman to stand up and switch the camera on. 5p gets him to focus, 10p gets the correct exposure. From here on in, things tend to get expensive. walking and talking shots are £1.00 per minute with a 10p top up every few seconds if the clouds move and the sun appears, which means a re white balance and iris ring adjustments on the fly.

Filming of the show i am told, is regularly interrupted due to slot problems, which needs regular maintenance due to the build up of fluff, tyre rubber, coin blockages and cigarette ends. Due to his small hands Richard Hammond is the ideal choice for the job. Boffins have told Jeremy Clarkson that on no account is he to hit the slot with a hammer to force the coins home.

The premium version cameraman comes with an innovative feature... Should filters be needed, changes of lenses or camera internal menu settings need accessing, then payment is made by tightly rolling up a £10.00 note and inserting it into the.... Well, you get the idea.

The other normal cameramen on Top Gear are apparently still kept happy with payments of regular tea breaks, bacon sandwiches and trips to sunnier foreign climes.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk

Has Channel 4 News Got The Collective Crazies..?

Something strange is afoot at Channel 4 News. I've been wondering just how they keep producing a fine weeknight news programme every day. It would seem that the answers lie behind the scenes...

The awards keep on rolling in, and I think this has a detrimental effect on the minds of those that inhabit the newsroom. The top brass at Channel 4 News want more. So much so, they will do anything to get more attention, and by doing so, the on air talent are partaking in some very strange extra curricular activities, involving cycles, new head gear and a news reader with a hot wax spatula and a roll of gaffer tape...

Full assimilation is now complete... Picture via @krishgm

First of all, as the above picture shows, Krishnan Guru-Murthy has been fully digitised and automated. I always had my suspicions about Channel 4 and the newsrooms at the ITN building, but full assimilation into the digital news matrix is going a bit too far. It is reported that he now works 24 hours a day, with only soft baby food to sustain life.

But this is not all that is going on. Oh dear me no.

Krishnan is also cycling the London to Paris 24 hour bike ride soon in aid of charity, requiring a full body, chassis upgrade... Jon Snow, having had to pull out from this event due to a sock / hair problem, is instead getting a full body wax, which you will be able to play, rewind and freeze frame, over and over again online, at the pain emporium of your choice. You can donate here.

I'm just waiting on the announcement from Cathy Newman. My sources* tell me she is planning a bungee jumping extravaganza from the top of the Shard, using only what is recovered from the buff shiny body of Jon Snow, fashioned into a rope. I for one, can't wait.

*I have no sources.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk

Helmet, Flak Jacket And Sandbags are A TV News Cameramans Best Friends.

I have just seen a photo sent on the Twitters by Tim Marshall, Foreign correspondent at Sky News. At the moment, he and his cameraman Barnaby Green, are filming in Damascus, Syria.

The streets of Damascus... Helmets required. (Courtesy @Skytwitius)

What struck me is the fact that Barnaby seems to be doing all the right things by wearing his helmet and flack jacket whilst sensibly protecting himself behind a wall of sandbags as the battle rages around the streets of Damascus. It is a dangerous place to be.

I also spotted a Cinesaddle camera support bag slung over his shoulder, just in case the sandbags prove a little too inflexible. Plus of course, they make a lovely comfy seat to plonk your arse on when a little bit of rest comes your way.

All in all, this seems like the perfect photo of how to behave in a war zone when the shit is hitting the fan and things could get deadly. It is however, also a photo of what not to do in a war zone. Why..? Well, if you can, (depending on what device you are reading this on) zoom into the photo, extreme right, about two thirds up from bottom.

There you will see another, unknown TV News Cameraman in a stripy t-shirt, tan coloured trousers with his camera on his shoulder. He is standing in the middle of the street, with no protection whatsoever. No helmet, no flak jacket, nothing. According to Tim, the battle is raging...

I don't know the circumstances of this photo. But let me tell you this... If I were there at that moment, I would be wearing exactly the same kit as Barnaby, our intrepid Sky News Cameraman. I too, would be behind the sandbag wall.

I would also be behind Barnaby. And behind whoever took the photo. In fact, my personal preference would be to be so far behind, that I could watch their report from the comfort of my own home, with a cup of tea.

I wish Tim and Barnaby and their team well and a safe trip. Why not luck..? It seems to me that they are taking the correct precautions to not have to rely on my wishes of good luck. The other unknown cameraman in the picture however...

I wish him the best luck in the world. I think he's going to need it.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk

Lies, Damn Lies And Statistics In TV News.

So, the UK unemployment quarterly statistics are out today and the number crunchers in TV News, including business, political and home affairs journalists are buried deep in the figures from the Office Of National Statistics.

Remember... Statistics and Kangaroos can go up as well as down.

 However, it makes for some interesting reading on Twitter. To be honest, i found myself saying 'Whatty what what..?' quite a few times.

UK unemployment total rose by 15,000 in the January to March period to 2.52 million
— BBC Breaking News (@BBCBreaking) May 15, 2013

Unemployment increased by 15,000 between January and March to 2.52 million, official figures showed today.
— ITN (@itn) May 15, 2013

So the BBC and ITN twitterists were quick off the mark this morning with an exact match, the numbers being a little disconcerting, but hey, they matched. I had been informed, i had been educated, but hang on, there may be a spanner in the works...

UK unemployment rate drops to 7.8%
— Tweetminster (@tweetminster) May 15, 2013

I thought the unemployment rate had risen by 15000... How can the unemployment rate have dropped in the space of a few tweets? And where the hell did the 7.8 percent come from..? Did they all find work over breakfast? Had Lord Sugar stepped in and offered them all an apprenticeship..? Hang on though, the good old BBC are back to help me in my confusion...

UK unemployment rate now 7.8%; up 0.1% from October to December but down 0.4% from a year earlier - @statisticsons bit.ly/12u3QSR
— Breaking News UK (@BreakingNewsUK) May 15, 2013

Eh..? So the unemployment rate dropped to 7.8 percent, but it was up by 0.1 percent but down since October. My head is starting to spin. Aha... Here comes ITN with the inside track on what the hell is going on...

The number of people claiming jobseeker's allowance last month fell by 7,300 to 1.52 million, according to the ONS.
— ITN (@itn) May 15, 2013

Hang on, it's fallen. 7300 people appear to have found gainful employment in the past few minutes, but the unemployment rate is steady at 1.52 million. That's good, but i'm starting to lose track of the figures. The devil is in the statistical details, figuratively speaking. Aha, here we go, here comes Sky News, surely they have figured it out having come a little late to the party...

Unemployment Up As Spending Squeeze Tightens news.sky.com/story/1091119/…
— Sky News (@SkyNews) May 15, 2013

Where's the effing numbers guys..? You haven't even bothered your arses to look through the numbers have you..? Disappointing Sky News, disappointing. But wait, some guy called Alberto has come up with this little gem, retweeted by Olly...

RT @albertonardelli: UK youth unemployment 20.7%, excluding those in full-time education 19.1%
— Olly Barratt (@ollybarratt) May 15, 2013

OK, so i now have an unemployment rate of 1.52 million which has dropped to 7.8 percent, that has risen by 15000 people, but dropped by 7300 who have suddenly found jobs. 20.7 percent of youths are unemployed, 19.1 percent of whom are in full time education. This is up by 0.1 percent but down 0.4 percent from a year earlier.

Thanks guys, i think i've got to grips with that...Now if you don't mind, i'm off for a very large Scotch.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk

First Class Tabloid Bashing.

With apologies to my esteemed foreign readers, who may not get what i'm on about in this post. I am today writing about the foibles of the British tabloid press. I know that you are used to me writing about life as a TV News Cameraman and the odd side of life therein, but this being, 'ahem...' a 'Media Blog' i feel that i should at least occasionally bring your attention to other aspects of the UK's finest news gathering press corps.

Its all true... If it's in the papers, it's all true.

I am sure you will all remember the famous headline 'Freddie Starr ate my hamster' and other even less salubrious headlines splashed across the front pages of the tabloid press. The Daily Mail, The Sun, The Daily Star, The Daily Express et-al are all occasionally guilty of alarmist, sexist, racist or downright libel inducing headlines spread across their front pages.

How many times have you picked up a newspaper, looked at the headline, read the story and said to yourself, 'What a load of old bollocks..!' Numerous times i suspect. I know i have.

Well fear not. There is now an antidote to all the tabloid bollocks, in the form of Rich Peppiat, an ex tabloid hack who has well and truly bitten the hand that used to feed him. Rich, with help from Will Sturgeon from The Media Blog is now fronting an online video show called The Spike.

Here is one episode called Boob jobs, hatchet jobs and April fools... In which Rich takes great delight in ripping apart Fleet Streets good, bad, ugly and downright deceitful. I think you will agree that he does it quite well...



I look forward to seeing The Spike team serve up more of this type of tabloid bashing entertainment as and when the tabloids fully deserve it, which let's face it, is on a daily basis for some papers. I like to think i can trust Rich and his team to inform me of what is good, what is bad and what is a pile of steaming poop in the current press... I just hope he doesn't turn his attention to TV News, not that we have anything to hide at all... Oh Lordy no.

Anyway, i'm off to film a story about an Eastern European wave of immigrants into the UK, who are setting up Otter baiting camps in social housing for overweight, topless D-List celebrities in the Norfolk countryside, paid for by benefits.

I am going with the headline... 'Celebrity Otter Baiting Benefits Scam Causes Cancer' Or something... I'll make it up when i get there.

Paul Martin is @ukcameraman on Twitter.

www.media-attention.co.uk